Rodney, and other stuff

* I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." - Rodney D.


I will always miss you.



I've just had the last three days off and I've done alot of pondering.

maybe, I'm not boring. maybe I have MANY ideas and thoughts but I surround myself with people who don't in the least appreciate them.

It's that whole "I wouldn't want to be part of a club that had ME as a memeber" complex.. It's the same way with ideas. I'm brain washed and self loathing enough that I've actually forced myself to believe that any idea I may have, isn't worth action.

Secondly, the weather is changing. I feel very emotionally connected to the weather. I live in a climate where I have four very defined, charectaristic seasons. if it's october, it's cold and rainy. if it's august its hot and humid. growing up I enjoyed the season changes, each one brought about a feeling of excitment and renewel.

but now, as I watch the season change yet again, for the trillionth time.. I feel old.. used up.. warn out. sentimental of old times. worry. guilt. shame.

I say this often but,
I don't think I can make it through another year.

I often wonder if the reason everyone wants to live in california, (or the reason I want to live there,) is that you don't notice things as much. If the weather was the same year round, Maybe I wouldn't have time to stop and realize - wow. It's been a whole year. and I haven't accomplished anything. and I have one less year of my life.

maybe I'd still be rushing around, my head in the clouds, bare foot, care free, busy with plans. here, when the sun dissapears, everyone sleeps. things slow down and I think too much.

Latley everyone in my life has been making me feel not good enough. I'm clumsy, forgetful and make too many mistakes. I try my best and the moment I rest it was crucial for me to be on the ball. the moment I let my guard down, somthing attacks. the moment I feel confident someone explains why I shouldn't.

I know I shouldn't care what people think.

but it's funny... how you can be in a room with someone you love, and feel like your nothing. then meet a stranger and suddenly your a star. maybe I should care what people think.

By the way, I just wanted to say how deeply saddend I am by the loss of Rodney D. I didn't type his whole name becuase I'm tired of google surfers stumbling on to a page containing my deepest darkest thoughts and getting a good laugh when they were actually just looking for a recipe or somthing.

so anyway, I wanted to say farewell to Rodney, I grew up loving you, and I never stopped.